Lookin' Good?

I have so much I'd love to write about lately, but unfortunately, I can't always write about what I want to write about because it involves other, more sensitive people. Some things are best left unsaid, right? As soon as I choose to write about other people, it'll bite me in the ass. I'm too smart for that. But damn, I have so much material to make you laugh! It's killing me! Anyway, I'll stick to what I know best: me.

I recently went swimming at my sister's new pool. We all had a really great time and for the first time in my life I felt safe from criticism. Afterall, I was there with my own family, who never judges me on superficial things. For example, what I look like in a bathing suit! First of all, we all have the same pastey white legs and freckles. And secondly, they've seen my body for 34 years and there's nothing there that would surprise them. So I felt safe. So I bounced out in my new suit, white thighs jiggling and cellulite proudly displayed. My kids and I had a wonderful time swimming. But the very next day, my grandma called my mom's house and proceeded to give her sideline comments on how everyone looked in their bathing suits. Oh lord, I didn't know I was being watched! Did she have a camera, too? I forgot to look. Shit! I probably would have sucked in a little more or perhaps worn a very large bag over my body, if I had known I was being critiqued! Anyway, the official judgement was as follows: my mom apparently looked "best" in her suit, no comments were made about my sister (she managed to stay out of the radar somehow...lucky bitch), my 4-year old daughter's suit was "too small", and I need a "much bigger suit". I still don't know exactly what that means, but it sent my wheels a'turnin'! I know my breasts weren't falling out. That's impossible! I've never felt so self-conscious before in my life! Just when I was feeling content with myself, my own grandma said I look like hell. Crap. So, I went straight home, put on my suit, and stared into the mirror. Suddenly I started to notice even more cellulite and more stretch marks, and more spider veins. I was repulsed! How did I not notice this before? Oh well, it only took me 34 years to gain some self-confidence. What's another 34 years, right? So I was faced with one choice: start exercising like a mad woman or decide to just love what I have. The choice was clear to me. I work hard enough to raise my three children, keep up our household and take care of my husband. I'm gonna go eat a pint of cookies and cream ice cream!!!!

If today were my last day: I'd be glad that I ate the damn ice cream.