Thursday, September 6, 2012


My sister loves the internet.  I envision her, in her jammies, reading blogs and surfing the net for funny videos and sassy bloggers.  She's the one who got me on facebook (curse you) and finally pinterest.  Ahh pinterest.  Men probably don't know about pinterest.  If they do, its only because they see their wives "pinning" extravagant items and they spiral into a panic, thinking their wife is about to buy a $1000 pair of boots or build a three-story tree house in the back yard.  Eventually they find out that its just things that the wife is interested in.  But since when did we have to advertise what we are interested in?  I "like" this.  I wonder if anyone else is going to "like" this?  No one else "likes" this, so maybe I should "unlike" this because its kind of embarassing to be the only one to "like" it.  It's an exotic and ecclectic list of shit you will probably never own.  The grownups version of circling everything in the Toys R Us catalog.  I like fluffy kittens, Christmas wreaths, long hair, Michael Kors handbags and Salma Hayeks boobs.  (What?!) 
When people start to repin my items I get a little rush.  "Oh look, my old high school friend that I never talk to also likes water.  Wow!!  Why weren't we closer in high school?  Afterall, we have so much in common!"  There's even an iphone app that will alert me when someone repins one of my items. It's set to its own alarm signal.   Envision this, if you will....I'm in church, about to give the Catholic obligatory confession that I think dirty thoughts about Salma Hayeks boobs (what?!), when the signal goes off....
 "Oh shit, Father, that's the signal!  I need to take this!!"  
 (looks at phone) "HA!  I knew my neighbor also likes cool weather!  Damn I love that girl!"   
"You were saying, Father?" 
"I was saying that you're probably going to hell so there's not much I can do with you today." 
"Ok, cool."
 Is there a pin for liking Catholic Priests?  They really are the shit.  (good shit not bad shit)
Anyway, I decided the whole concept was way too depressing.  Pinning crap that I'll never touch.  So I've turned off the alarm and put myself on lock down.  But in the meantime, I'm dying to sneak a peak and see if anyone else likes men who speak French, potato chips and butterflies.  The suspense is killing me!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Annoying Adages

So I was cruisin around on the "Jedi Council Forum" of The  (So what?!  Leave me alone!)  Anyway, they were discussing some of Luke's most annoying quotes.  This got me thinking about some of the things we say that are the equivalent of running your nails down a chalkboard, for me.  Everytime I hear them my stomach churns and I wanna rip the tongue out of the messenger.  So here are a few examples of quotes that "get my goat".  (that would be #1...hehe)
OK, here we go, quotes that drive me nutbags:
2)  "It's not guns that kill people, it's people that kill people."  Do I even have to explain why this one is just plain stupid?!  Yes, I get the overall point.  If I just lay a gun down on the floor, it won't do a damn thing.  However, this still doesn't explained how every psycho on earth owning a gun is going to improve our odds of staying safe.  WHen I hear this expression, I envision a family of toothless half-wits, all sitting around staring at their family gun on the floor, waiting for it to jump up and shoot the intruder that just snuck in the back door.  Seriously.  This is just a stupid quote.

3)  "If life gives you a bowl of lemons, make lemonade".  I'm all for a nice, cool glass of freshly squeezed lemonade, but most the time life gives you shit.  Hmmm.  So what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

4)  "Live life to the fullest".  This one just pisses me off.  Don't get me wrong.  I'd love to live my life this selfishly.  However, doesn't this go against everything your parents ever taught you?  Just shirk your responsibility and go skydiving in Guatemala!  Have sex with lots of random people.  Swim naked in a lake during the coldest winter months.  What the hell!  Woohoo!!  Afterall, you may only live another 2 months, ooooor 82 more years (!!!!!!), but go ahead and do everything you ever wanted to do.  Live life without regard for your safety or those who love you.  This is grand advice.  (insert sarcastic voice here)

5)  "Everything happens for a reason".  Are you sure you want to stand behind this one?  My husband HATES that I spit my gum out on the sidewalk.  When you walk right into it, are you sure that it happened for a reason?  Or did you step into my gum because I'm an inconsiderate asshole and nothing more than that? 

6)  "When God closes a door, he opens a window".  First of all, is there a tornado coming?  Why are we opening and closing all of the doors and windows when the a/c is on?  Is God aware of how high my last electricity bill was?  Geez.

7)  "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"  (giggle, giggle.......I know, I'm extremely immature).  But seriously, what the hell does this even mean?  When was the last time you went into a Subway shop and tried to pay with a "bird in your hand".  "Oh wait, wait, I have two here in my bush, let me get those out for you, instead". 

8)  "What's done is done".....oh, really?  Thanks for enlightening me because I thought we were just getting started.  My bad.

9)  "Beat around the bush"...can anyone actually use this one without busting out laughing? (again I am giggling...sorry)   What's with all of the references to bush?  (I feel so dirty)

10)  ""Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies."  So we're supposed to just sit here in silence because you're a lying turd?  Well, thanks for being honest.  Or are you?  hmmm.

11) WWJD?  or "What would Jesus Do?".  While I do concede that this is a great way to live your life, I'm also aware of it's hypocrisy.  Don't you always see the "WWJD" sticker on the back of a huge, gas-guzzling SUV, next to the NRA sticker?  So Jesus would load up his crew in the soccer van and drive across town to eat pizza and play games at Chuck E. Cheese's, while bitching in traffic and screaming at the kids?  He would? OK, Cool.  I stand corrected. 

12)  "This too shall pass".  Thanks for explaining how time works.  I wasn't sure what was going to happen next!  Phew.  Glad you cleared that up for me.

Lucky 13) "Hard work never killed anybody".  (Explain that to this guy.  OUCH.)

And now for some quotes that I can appreciate:

1)  "You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself."  Ethel Barrymore.

2)  "I am ready to meet my maker.  Whether my maker is ready for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter."  Winston Churchill

3)  "I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb."  Richard Feynman

4)“The whole history of science has been the gradual realization that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which may or may not be divinely inspired.”  Man, I love Stephen Hawking!

Friday, February 13, 2009


I took my kids to the bookstore and told them that they could buy anything they wanted, for Valentine's Day. Well, of course this was a huge mistake because in "kid world" semantics are very important. I said "anything", didn't I? So my boys picked out $40.oo Thomas the Train accessories, of course. But my daughter picked out the cutest little octopus. (Of course no one picked out a book...the whole reason I took them there in the first place) Anyway, the octopus was pink and fluffy. It really needed a cute and fluffy name to go along with it's asthetics. I asked her what she was going to name it and she said, "Octopussy"....."Pussy, for short". I bit the insides of my cheeks, to keep from laughing and said, "Well, that's a wonderful name, but I have some other suggestions." This was never going to work because when I challenge her, she fights back even more. She's very hard-headed. We paid for our merchandise and went out to the car. There, I proceeded to offer up alternative names. "How about sassypus or octofluffy?" And she replied, "Those are great Mom, but this is Pussy!" I was going to HAVE to come up with something fantastic or she'd never change her mind. And I was going to have to come up with it fast...before she offended everyone we knew (and a few strangers, to boot). Meanwhile, she's purposely trying to annoy me by repeating the name as much as possible. (bear in mind that she has no idea why I'm opposed to it...she is only five!) "Ian, see my Pussy?" "Woo, this is Pussy" (and a few other comments that I'm not even comfortble putting on this blog!!) I start to panic because every time she gets a new stuffed animal, she takes it to school to show everyone. What would I do when the teacher called me and fussed at me for letting my daughter bring "Pussy" to school?!! My wheels were turning and I finally came up with an idea that she simply couldn't refuse. I strategically turned on the song "Fabulous" from High School Musical. I grabbed "pussy" and started to make it dance to the song. And the coup de gras, I said "Hey, this octopus sure would make a great Sharpay!" She loved the idea. Thank you lord!!I owe you one!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Next Challenge

Now that our trip to Disney is officially over (although I'm a bit in denial still...sniffle.), I'm trying to look toward our upcoming Colorado trip. This is when I'm going attempt to climb Long's Peak - my first "fourteener". I'm making it my new goal to start rigorously training for it. It's NOT my New Year's resolution though, because those things are always doomed to fail, right? Instead, it's just my newest challenge. And one thing you should know about me: I NEVER back down from a challenge. It's a Burnett girl trait, I think. We're quite competitive. We pretend we're not though. That's part of our game. Usually works too. However, I was initially having a hard time getting properly motivated to exercise........until the holidays came. (cue the bad-ass music...oh yea, are you feelin the mood yet?) Anyway, at the family Christmas party, we were all discussing the Long's Peak climb and my grandmother kept insinuating that I'll never make it up with all of the "athletes" in my family because they've all been exercising, while I've been sitting around on my butt, popping out babies for the last 5 years. (Which is technically true, but it sounds like an insult, none the less) "Are you challenging me, old lady?", I thought. Huh? Huh? Well bring it on Grammy! Bring. It. On. (ok, I don't really talk like this to my grandmother. I love and respect her very much...but this is what I was thinking.) Anyway, I decided then and there that I was gonna be so ready for that damn mountain that I'll be laughing my fucking ass off at the top of it! HA, HA, HA, bitches. Fourteen, schmourteen. I scoff at your wimpy-ass peak....maybe I'll just do it in heels! Just watch me!! Oh yea, you just watch me. Meet ya' at the top, weenies! Here we go...

Friday, January 9, 2009

Mission: Disney

Imagine 2000 miles, 10 days, and 7 kids. OK, it just wouldn't do our trip justice if I also didn't mention the extra 5 pounds that I packed on too. Sounds like a recipe for a disaster, eh? Well, it wasn't too bad. We took a family trip to Disney World, and at the risk of sounding cliche, it was magical! Other than the fact that we cheaped out and opted to drive, our trip was probably like most other peoples experience at Disney. Here's a quick summary:
1)Drive, drive, drive
2)get mauled by a deadly swarm of mosquitos, while peeing on the side of the road - WHAT?! You know you've peed on the side of the road before - stop judging me!
3)Mickey, Mickey, Mickey
4)drop, splash, scream, laugh
5)blow a wad at gift shop
6)eat $10 burgers and $5 cokes
7)get stampeded by a herd of wild Brazilians and made into a huge tourist sandwich; and I must also mention that as a result, my sister and I start to get a little "scrappy" with the crowd.
*note: we are very sweet and kind girls until you F with our children and then we turn into raving wasn't pretty. We're both a bit ashamed of our behavior.
8) parade, fireworks, more Mickey
9) son pukes repeatedly (man, what a waste of a perfectly good $10 burger!)
10)Get offered a reefer from the hot German waitress...wait, what? Oh. My sister says she was just offering me a refill on my drink. Damn. That was the best part of the trip. Oh well.
11) more $10 burgers and $5 cokes
12) bank calls to ask if we're making all of these purchases or if we've been robbed. Oy.
13) son pukes some more (it just wouldn't be a proper family trip if one kid didn't get violently ill, right?)
13) more rides, more Mickey, more puking
14) pack up and drive home, on what seems like the longest drive in history, with a carload of Disney crap!!
I think it's important to mention, by the way, that I have the grumpiest family on the face of this earth. In all of our photos I look like Jesus Christ himself came out of the clouds, with my huge cheesy-ass grin. But my husband and sons all looked like death was awaiting them. If Mickey Mouse can't make them smile, then I do believe they are screwed. Poor guys. I think that's why my husband married me, in all truth. I can make him smile. Since he's completely incapable of doing so himself, he needs me around for that. I guess it's like the old saying, "there can only be one peacock in the family", but in this case, only one overly-happy nutcase. Well, I'm glad I get to hold that title. But in all seriousness, we all had a really fantastic time on our family trip to Disney. We made memories that I'll cherish forever. Viva Disney!