Thong gone Wrong

I was going out with the girls for a bachelorette party this last weekend and I decided to dust off the old thong undies. I don't really know why. My dress didn't require special underwear. And I knew I wasn't getting laid that night. I guess it just seemed necessary to get me into the old "girls gone wild" mood that I feel is essential for a good bachelorette party. Had to do my part, right?! ;) But the only pair I had left were from my pre-baby days. I probably wore them 10 years ago! And back then my butt was much less...(how do I put this?)...squishy. (By the way, that's a picture of me in the blue shirt over there) I slipped the thong on and ate it up like a starving African child. It just disappeared! Muuuuunch, like that. I knew it felt awkward, but I was in a rush and decided to keep them on. The night went well, but my mind kept drifting off to those damn underwear up my ass. It took every bit of self-control that I have to NOT dig those bastards out of my butt! As soon as we returned to the hotel room I took them off and felt instant relief. It was like shedding a hemorrhoid in an instant. Ahhhhhhh. But to my horror, my asshole hurt for the next three days. Three days! Good lord, three days.

Since I knew I had to blog about this, I couldn't help myself, I had to do a little "thong research". And here's what I found: medical doctors agree that "The chafing that occurs can negatively impact the whole genital area and leave the area more susceptible to infections. Bladder infections and urinary tract infections are more common in thong wearers, too. E coli from the anal area has a more direct line of contact with the sensitive vaginal area."

....um, ew.

No worries, because I've definitely come to terms with the fact that I can no longer pull off wearing thong underwear (literally!!). Yes, that ship has sailed. The only question I have left is what do I do with them? I usually donate my old clothes, but will the Salvation Army take thong underwear? And what sick bastard would even buy them?! Ick! I guess it's "out to the old landfill" for my once-sexy panties (along with my youth!). Oy.