Thong gone Wrong

I was going out with the girls for a bachelorette party this last weekend and I decided to dust off the old thong undies. I don't really know why. My dress didn't require special underwear. And I knew I wasn't getting laid that night. I guess it just seemed necessary to get me into the old "girls gone wild" mood that I feel is essential for a good bachelorette party. Had to do my part, right?! ;) But the only pair I had left were from my pre-baby days. I probably wore them 10 years ago! And back then my butt was much less...(how do I put this?)...squishy. (By the way, that's a picture of me in the blue shirt over there) I slipped the thong on and ate it up like a starving African child. It just disappeared! Muuuuunch, like that. I knew it felt awkward, but I was in a rush and decided to keep them on. The night went well, but my mind kept drifting off to those damn underwear up my ass. It took every bit of self-control that I have to NOT dig those bastards out of my butt! As soon as we returned to the hotel room I took them off and felt instant relief. It was like shedding a hemorrhoid in an instant. Ahhhhhhh. But to my horror, my asshole hurt for the next three days. Three days! Good lord, three days.

Since I knew I had to blog about this, I couldn't help myself, I had to do a little "thong research". And here's what I found: medical doctors agree that "The chafing that occurs can negatively impact the whole genital area and leave the area more susceptible to infections. Bladder infections and urinary tract infections are more common in thong wearers, too. E coli from the anal area has a more direct line of contact with the sensitive vaginal area."

....um, ew.

No worries, because I've definitely come to terms with the fact that I can no longer pull off wearing thong underwear (literally!!). Yes, that ship has sailed. The only question I have left is what do I do with them? I usually donate my old clothes, but will the Salvation Army take thong underwear? And what sick bastard would even buy them?! Ick! I guess it's "out to the old landfill" for my once-sexy panties (along with my youth!). Oy.

Playground from Hell

I'm now convinced that playgrounds are designed by masocists who hate children. They give them fun and attractive colors so that kids anxiously flock to it, but little do the innocent children know that it's really a sick and twisted obstacle course built to mock their lack of coordination. It's sole purpose being to injure them, one kid at a time! It's the "patient but effective" method ...a bit like al-qaeda uses. Maybe they're behind it all!! :)
I took my kids to the local playground and before I could even sit down, William fell through a set of metal bars and busted open his little lip. I managed to stop the bleeding and gave him another chance to play. He climbed up some stairs and promptly fell out of a hole on the other side of a platform, hitting his back on the ground. He bravely picked himself up and mustered up the courage to keep going (what a trooper!). But he climbed up to the exact same platform that he just fell off of (ok, maybe he's a bit slow to catch on...give him a break!) and then he realized his mistake and said, "oh no, Mama, I need help down!" So I walked over to him and held out my arms and said, "ok, let's get you down now" and he decided to not just jump out, but up...right into a metal bar that was about 2 inches above his head. Brilliant design. Only one false move and you inflict instant brain damage on a two-year-old.
So I was done with this particular playground. We had only been there for 5 minutes, but I already needed to rush home to clean up blood and do a complete neurological exam on my 2 year old. Of course, my daughter had to throw a huge fit, in front of all the other mothers, in protest of our leaving. And all of the mothers stopped what they were doing, just to stare at me, to see how I was going to handle the situation. Thanks ladies for the support! But I handled it like a real pro. I picked her up, while she was kicking and screaming like a wild animal, put her in the van, and closed the door behind us. I said nothing, but gave her the evil stare. You know the one: The "how dare you embarass me like that...I'm going to eat you for lunch after we get home" stare. She refused to get into her car seat, so I pretended I didn't care...I'd drive off anyway. Lucky for me she didn't call my bluff (she usually would). She buckled up and told me I was the worst mommy in the world. Ahhhhhhh, another day in paradise! In three words or less, I hate playgrounds!!!

Gotta love him...

I'm just adding this picture to my blog because it makes me smile. Don't you just wanna squeeze the hell outta him?!

House for sale...free to any takers

I'm cursed.
Seriously. My husband and I are quite conservative with christmas bonuses and stimulus checks because if we spent it when we got it, there'd be nothing left to pay for the occasional house fire, or IVF, or car crash, or surgery, or ER visit, or physical therapy, or spinal tap, or theft, etc, etc. Every year it's something bizaar (and expensive!). I've already forewarned my Houston pals that as soon as we decide to move there, Houston will have it's first Category 5 hurricane, in a loooooooong time. Trust me, it'll happen! As soon as we arrive, be sure to cut boards for your windows and buy stock in Home Depot because the cities doomed!!

In addition, everytime I'm ready to move, the economy takes a plunge. When we lived in Chicago and I was ready to return to Texas, the economy was hit hard, especially for who? Software Engineers. Of course!! It took years for my husband to find a new job. It was so frustrating! We eventually moved to Texas and a short time after moving into our new home, the prices shot up. We were thrilled with the value of our home. "Boy, did we get lucky", we thought. I guess we should have sold our home then, but unfortunately, we weren't ready to leave then. And now...well, you all know how it is right now. Oy. I'm a little confused with he info I'm receiving about recently sold homes in our area though. It has to be incorrect. The house next door to me (3500 sf) sold for $152,000!! But the 1500 sf home sold for $230,000? What?! Somebody got screwed! Considering the current condition of my home, thanks to my lovely children, I guess that means my house would sell for about $20,000. Exactly the amount my parents paid for their first home, 30-something years ago! I have to be optimistic though. Maybe the buyers won't notice the numerous holes in the wall that Abby chewed up last year. I tried to patch them up and repaint them, but that became a nightmare. After repainting those few spots, I realized that the rest of the wall is so dirty that the paint color no longer matches the repaired spots! Now I have to repaint the whole damn wall! And then there's the carpet. Good lord, the carpet. It has four solid years of dripping sippee cups, dog vomit, mud, and baby pee in it. I've steam cleaned it, but that has proven to be completely worthless. As soon as it dries, the kids spill spaghetti sauce on it and it rains on the dog and she tracks in mud. Ugh. My constant sorrow. How do other people avoid these catastrophes?!

I could always invest $10,000 in fixing up my home, but I'll never get it back when I sell the house. That would mean I get only $10,000 for my home. Maybe I could donate it and the tax write-off would be better than the value! I could donate it as a half-way house for ex-prostitutes or something. My neighbors would love me for that.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to consider this right now because not only will the kids trash the house again before I can even put the house on the market, but also my husband hasn't even made up his resume! DUH!! Yea, it helps to actually have a job first. I guess I'm just a little too anxious to move. Maybe in a couple of years...sigh.
My mother said we could live with her while we try to sell the house. Quite a generous offer considering the fact that my children would basically be destroying the value of her home! Does this woman really know what she's signing up for?! I'll have to take that $10,000 we get for our home and give it to my mom, for repairs to her home. Which leaves me with $0.00 Maybe we should just pray for another house fire!!

Arrogant fool

The John Edward affair makes me wanna puke! I was telling my mother, a while back, that it seems to me that none of the presidential candidates could possibly be having an affair because you'd have to be completely arrogant to think you could get away with it in this day and age. I guess in this case it was, once again, arrogance taking place. What an asshole. "My wife has cancer, is raising our three kids, while supporting me and my political dreams...hmmmmm...I think I'll have an affair". WTF?!!!!! It's this kind of behavior that makes me want to entirely abandon the Democratic Party. They want to preach to the world about how to take care of the poor, the environment, and the minorities, but they can't even take care of their own damn families! (It starts at home assholes!!) At that point they lose all credibility with me. Why the hell would I want to listen to anything they have to say, after that? I too believe in caring for the environment and the poor, but I'm not so full of myself that I also feel the freedom to screw around on my husband (and consequently my kids too)! I have more credibility than these jerks who think they can run the country "honorably" and tell the rest of us how to live our lives. Go sell your gas-guzzling SUV, your energy-sucking mansions, and take care of your wife and children. That will make a greater impact on the earth!!
I'm dying to hear your thoughts on this issue. Let me know what you think!

The Light at the End of the Tunnel...

I've come to discover that sometimes telling the truth on this blog scares the hell out of people. But I created this blog to have a place to vent. Which sometimes mean telling the truth, even when it's harsh. So I get to my point...as you can probably tell lately, I've been really stressed out. There is a loooooong list of "why"'s but I think the real cause has more to do with my hormones. When those are out of control, then everything else in my life seems so "horrible" and unbearable. After many long conversations with my husband, we have come up with a couple of solutions that have me very excited. #1: I have an appointment with my OB/GYN to discuss proper medication to get my hormones under control. (I had previously rejected the idea of taking medication, but it seems to be my only choice, if I want to be truly happy.) and #2: we are going to move to Houston ASAP. Hooray!! It's a terrible time to sell a house and look for a job, but we're going to take our time doing so and pray that we make good decisions. But the fact is that I really need the help of my loved ones and cannot expect to get it until I move back home. I'm nervous about it, but look forward to it. It could take a while though, so don't get too anxious!
Anyway, the lesson I have learned (over a really dreadfully long time) is this: TALK TO SOMEONE about your problems and don't settle for mediocrity. There is help out there. It just may take a long time to get it worked out, so be patient with yourself.
I'm not totally in the clear yet, so I'll need some prayers. But I'm hopeful that I'll be feeling better soon. And thanks to my friends and family who always stick by my side!!!

Oy vey...

I had a good weekend, but it came REALLY close to turning into a disaster. I was walking a very fine line. I may have even crossed it, but unfortunately, I don't remember! Yes, I got drunk. I don't usually drink much. Stop laughing, I serious. Once a month, maybe. Usually less than that. But anyway, I went to a birthday party on Saturday afternoon. As soon as I arrived, I was offered a mixed drink. I knew it would be a bad idea because it was too early in the game. I'd be passed out by dinner time. So I politely refused. Then the lady said that she would make a "really weak drink". I caved in. It really did taste weak, so I didn't worry about it. One hour later I was passed out in the bedroom. I didn't know what hit me! I pulled myself off of the bed a couple of hours later and went outside to join the others. I was sluggish and tired, but wanted to wake myself up for the rest of the party. So I decided to take a flyin leap onto the slip-and- slide, (after being coaxed by others, of course). It started a trend and soon the rest of the party was slippin and slidin. It was a blast and the rest of the evening went well. But when it was finally time to go to bed for the night, I began to realize that there were gaps in my memory of the night. I think I had MANY conversations that I barely remember. I know I had a discussion with a friend about whether he should marry or not. Wow, I hope I did that one well! And I know I had the obligatory conversation with my brother-in-law, in which I told him how much I love him and my sister-in-law. (It wouldn't be a typical drunken episode without that, right? "I love you, man!") But other than those two conversations, I'm lost. I haven't had lapses in my memory since college. I feel like a complete loser! Granted, I really did try to play it safe and not drink a stiff drink. I tried to be good! But I think that chick slipped a ruffie in my drink or something. She is officially going on my "evil people" list (along with Oprah Winfrey and the girl who stole my boyfriend in high school). I'm 34 years old, with a husband and children, and I was slip-and-sliding and jumping in the kids' moonwalk! Ugh. Although, I probably would have done those things sober too. The point is that everyone else probably thinks I behaved that way because I was shnockered. If only my friend Traci were there, she could have defended my honor by letting everyone know this was normal for me, NOT necessarily alcohol-induced! Well, it worked out in the long run because the other adults followed my lead and we all had a great time playing in the water. Gee, what will I do next year, for an encore? I'd hate to disappoint everyone...