Lift that Load!!

My eldest son was taking a bath and I heard him grunting and groaning, so I peaked in the doorway. He was standing up very slowing, holding onto his nuts, and groaning. I thought he was hurt! I said, "what are you doing, buddy?" And he replied, (still holding his stuff) "Grrrrrr, I'm lifting my heavy rocks!"

Closet of Shame

Before I had children, death was pretty much a non-issue to me. That was before I wore my heart on my sleeve. And now, I see everything as having the potential to orphan my kids or worse, to harm them. I'm absolutely paranoid! What further accentuates the situation is the fact that I've been watching the history channel a lot lately. I love the history channel, but their topics lately have been quite grim: Doomsday 2012, Oil Apocalypse, Mega Disasters, Global Warming, etc. All of these shows are meant to make us feel completely screwed, of course. That's how they keep us watching. And it's been working! I've since started to wonder what I could do to prepare my family, in the event that we get nuked, a volcano erupts and dust covers the sky for ten years, or that spy sattelite decides to land right in my neighborhood. :) (hey, you never know!) I did some research on these various topics and then decided it was time to go shopping! I bought rubbing alcohol, bandages, masks, medicines, t.p., garbage bags, and much, much more! I put all of these items in our walk-in entryway closet (knowing this would be the best place to hide later), along with a list of things to do after we've been nuked. Jer came home from work and opened the closet to put his jacket away, and found the items, with the list hanging from a nail on the wall. He thought it was hysterical and vowed that he'd NEVER let any of his friends hang their coats in that closet, for fear that they'd see the list and be convinced that I'm a complete nutcase. Then I said, "Oh, I forgot one more thing! I need to put some of my old narcotics in the box too...in case we're all so bad off that I need to do us in!" (I smile) "Yep," Jer says, "You're nuts!" He's since deemed that closet "The Closet of Shame". Maybe so, but I'll never be caught with my pants down. And you know you'll all be knocking on my door when the shit comes down!! :) (lol)

That Bites!

My eldest son and I were playing dinosaurs. I was apatosaurus, a kind, veggie-eater. Ian, as usual, was the large meat-eater, Gigantosaurus. He was snarling and bearing his teeth at me. I let out a big dino-scream as he pretended to sink his large teeth into my "tail". The baby, William, saw what we were doing and thought it looked like a ton of fun. So he too started growling and showing his teeth, as he approached me. Well, I don't trust him not to bite me because he doesn't yet know the difference between pretend and real biting. So I say, "no, no, William. Mommy doesn't trust you - don't bite!" He starts chasing me. "No, William!" "No biting!!" The chase speeds up as I run, screaming. I'm truly scared of this little 30 pound beast sinking his teeth into me! I run into the family room and trip on one of my husbands mammoth shoes. Damn, I'm down!! While I'm still on the floor, face down, William takes a flying leap onto my back and proceeds to take a massive bite into my butt. I yell at the top of my lungs, begging him for mercy. I wriggle and writhe in pain, trying to get him to unclench his teeth from my ass, but he won't let go! I can hear him giggling, because he thinks this is hysterical. I manage to compose myself enough to reach around to my rear and start tickling him under his chin. He finally starts laughing so much that he can't maintain his death grip. Free at last! I get up and survey the damage...it's not going to be pretty! And he says to me, with his innocent little smile, "Woo Woo dinosaur." :) How could I possibly be mad at him?

Getting the Grays

Since having my third child, I’ve gradually started getting gray hair (three actually). Instead of freaking out and viewing them as a negative sign of my age, I welcomed them and named them after my three kids. I felt it was a kind of rite of passage into true motherhood. No doubt about it, I was really an adult now! I showed them to my husband and he proceeded to ask me, “are you going to pull them out?” In his defense, I must add that he asked this not to be mean, but because one of the hairs had high aspirations and was reaching straight up for the sky. It refused to lie down, no matter what I did to it. You go girl! I replied to my husband, “Heck no, she’s just the first of many guests and I suspect it’s going to be a large party. I want to see where’s it’s going to lead!” I was excited about my new hairs. Afterall, my grandmother had beautiful white hair. Everyone always thought she looked majestic. Maybe I could go from looking like a sloppy housewife to a regal sophisticate. But what I didn’t expect was the congregation that would soon be forming on my chin! Where did that come from? Was this the beginning of menopause? I’m only 34 years old! Are my hormones off balance? Maybe I’m ill! Was I actually born a man and I’m just now realizing it? As all of these random thoughts buzzed through my brain, I started to panic. I plucked the lone hair, as it was really only one little hair, and tried not to think about it anymore. But it insisted on returning week after week. I sprinkled holy water on it, left over from my son’s baptism, and told it to “go into the light”. “It’s not welcome here!” At my next gynecological appointment I ask my doctor to have my hormones checked because I’m obviously excessively hairy. She asks me what I’m referring to exactly and I point to my one chin hair. After she’s done laughing, she informs me that I have no idea how hairy women can really be and that it’s completely normal. She then adds that I can probably expect it to get worse as I age, particularly after menopause. It gets worse?! Holy crap! I go home, feeling defeated, and vow that I’m going to spread this story around because apparently it’s just one more example of the secrets that women keep to themselves, in order to make all other women feel isolated and repulsive. I’m happy to report that the lone hair has not yet invited friends, but if they do come, I’m just going to braid them and wear them with pride. Apparently, women have body hair. Get used to it!

One less thing to worry about!

I worry the most for my daughter. Only a woman can truly understand this. It's still a very dangerous (not to mention sexist) world for women. I pray every night that I can raise her to be a strong woman, when she grows up. Well, today the twins were outside playing on their play "castle". Abby said to Ian, "I'm the princess stuck up in the castle. Will you save me?" Ian replied with a "no!" "Please?" asked Abby, nicely. "No!" said Ian. Then Abby slid down the slide, got right up in Ian's face and said "fine, I don't need you!" " I'm so moving on!!" Then she looks over at me, raises her tiny little fist into the air and says (quite seriously) "girl power!" We exchange winks.

Yes, I think my job is done.