Look out!!!!!

I've recently discovered something significant about myself. I'm overall an easy-going person, when it comes to my own life. But when dealing with my children, it's a whole different story. I'm so paranoid. I'm like "Debbie Downer", from Saturday Night Live. waaa,waaaaaaaa..... (frown)

I can turn ANY moment into a stress-filled adventure. In my mind, everything has the potential for certain death to my children. "Here's some peanuts to snack on kiddos - don't choke to death!" "Hold the hand rail on the stairs - you're going to break your neck." "Stop watching the rain out the window - you're gonna get struck by lightning!"

It's seriously irrational and most likely getting under my kids skin by now. And I'm fully aware that if I don't learn to back off now, they'll HATE ME in their teen years. But I can't help myself! Not only are they the most important people in my life, but I also don't want to spend anymore money in the ER! If we go there one more time, they're going to call CPS on my ass. How do you back off when you have the clumsiest kids in the world? They can get hurt sitting on the toilet!

My husband is also very paranoid. (so we're a very annoying couple) We've discussed this issue and decided it comes down to the age old question of "the chicken or the egg". Were we paranoid to begin with or did our clumsy children instill this sense of paranoia in us, out of necessity? I'll give you a great example. My sisters boys were playing baseball on the wii. Her eldest son took a swing at the ball, while the youngest was walking by. The youngest simply ducked down. Common sense, right? My kids would have been lying flat on their backs! Oh, what to do, what to do. I guess after enough broken bones they'll figure it all out, huh? I'm just hoping that happens soon because we're going bankrupt, paying all of these medical bills. No college for them, just a well-adjusted sense of danger.

Ode to our Saturn

I'd like to take a moment to talk about my husbands car. AKA "the green crap box". I was the one to actually buy the car, 10 or 11 years ago, after I graduated from college. It didn't take long for it to deteriorate and therefore, I generously and unselfishly passed it on to my husband and got myself a new one. (wink) But everytime I get into that car I fall in love again. I refuse to let him sell it because it bears the marks of so many events in our lives. For instance, the back seat belt was yanked out of the wall when I was in total pain from a kidney stone, en route to the hospital. The bottom is completely rusted out because of the salt on the roads, when we lived in Chicago. You cannot use the lock on the passenger side because someone tried to break into the car, when we lived downtown. Good times. The brakes turned to shit because of all the red lights conveniently located at the BOTTOM of a steep hill, now that we live in the hill country. The middle a/c vents don't work. It's so noisy you can hear it coming down the street from a mile away...literally. The cd player won't eject my husbands rap cd, so the whole time I'm driving with the kids in the back, I'm cringing when the F-bomb is dropped every five seconds. The driver-side visor is peeling away, revealing some flakey orange crap that falls in your eyes when you pull the visor down. Underneath the orange flaky crap is cardboard...wow, Saturn spared no expense, huh? And last night, my husband was the victim of a random drive-by deering. If you live in the hill country, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The deer was either incredibly stupid or suicidal. The deer broke off the side mirror and dented in the door so that we cannot open it anymore. If you recall, I mentioned that the passenger lock is busted too. Therefore, the only way into the car is through the trunk. Can you imagine my poor husband popping the trunk and climbing in, at his work's parking lot?! Hysterical! The other employees are probably thinking, "what the hell do they actually pay those Senior Engineers?" And yet, we still love the "green crap box" and are not even considering buying a new one. We'll keep ragging this one out until it dies on the side of the road and is beyond repair. We love you, you nasty hooptie! Keep going, girlfriend!!

Ianese

As many of you know, I have one particularly precocious son. The things he says frequently blow my mind! I've recently deemed it "Ian-speak" or "Ianese". So I'd like to compare the way a normal five year old would say something vs. the way Ian says it...

Normal kid: Mama, can I play outside?

Ian: Mama, I'm gonna play outside before it rains because I think I see some cumulonimbus clouds.

Normal kid: Ahhhhhh, a bug!

Ian: Look at that interesting insect. I think it's a horned beetle.

Normal kid: Can I have a Milky Way candy bar?

Ian: Mama, how can we see the Milky Way when we're IN the Milky Way?

Normal kid: I like dogs.

Ian: Mama, did you know that Orion had a dog named Serius? He's a constellation too.

Normal kid: I wanna be a fireman when I grow up.

Ian: I don't want to be a scientist, I am a scientist!

Normal kid: ouch, that pinecone just hit me on the head!

Ian: That pinecone fell from the tree because of gravity.

Normal kid: Lightning is scary.

Ian: Lightning is electricity in the clouds. Purple lightning is the hottest lightning. If you see lightning, don't go under a tree or you'll die.

Normal kid: Good dinner, Mom.

Ian: That dinner was scrumptious! (seriously, he says this!)

Normal kid: I don't wanna go to bed yet!

Ian: What on earth are you thinking, woman? It's still light outside!

Normal kid: Mama, tell me a bedtime story.

Ian: Mama, let's talk about the brain and how it works.

Good lord, I have to stop myself, but I could go on and on. That kid cracks me up. He's such a freak!! I love him to death. And if you think this was simply for humor, you're wrong. He's totally said these things to me! My little nerd. :)

Serenity now!

Part of my new "therapy" is to read some inspirational thoughts from Christian mother's in a book I bought for myself. It's purpose is to help calm me down and focus on my job as a mother with patience and serenity. (In other words, not blow my top and get my panties in a wad all the time, as I have been doing in the past!) It's been working quite well. I can see a difference in my attitude already. I read a particularly helpful passage a couple of nights ago that said that God helps you eliminate stress in your life, if you just listen to him. When you ask yourself, "is this task bringing me peace?" and the answer in your gut is "no", then walk away from it. I've been applying this method all day long and it works! For example, I was listening to some political debating on the radio and was getting hot under the collar (to say the least) Was it bringing me peace? No, so I turned it off. When I got home, I was tempted to check on the stock market (AGAIN!) but decided that too would not bring me peace at the moment. I highly recommend this method to you. It's working so well that that tonight I'm going to have the locks changed and not let Jeremy and the kids in the house!! Ahhhhhhh, now THAT'S real peace!

Too smart for his stature

My precocious little son never ceases to amaze me. We were up at his school the other day for a party. They have a set of identical twin boys in his class. The teacher was trying to figure out which kid was which and my son chimed in, "Tyler has the oval face and Tanner has the rounder one!" All the mothers were stunned. I was stunned. The twins own mother was stunned! These particular twins are exactly alike! And then I said, "Wow, Ian, how did you come up with that?" And he just replied with, "geez Mom, you aren't very observant are you?!" This of course set the whole room off with laughter and I was as red as a beet. Smartass!

Where are you, dirty mom's?

Oy vey, it really has been a long time since I've blogged, eh? I meant to pump one out yesterday, as promised, but AT&T was doing an upgrade and so our internet and cable were out all day. In other words, it was a very boring day!! Anyway, I've been wondering, all morning, what I should blog about...my anger over the Presidential race, that weird shooting pain I have in my uterine area (hummm, maybe I'll die form it and this nightmare will be over!), my current struggle to find the perfect medication for my bitchy mood swings, my realization that when you aren't allowed to drink alcohol suddenly everyone and their dog offers you a drink (ugh!), my poor sickly son, or the nauseated pit in my stomach created by our diminishing 401k (that's a big one). Ahh, what lovely choices. But I've decided to keep this blog more light-hearted. We could all use a good laugh, as opposed to bad news, right?

So here it goes...



This morning I spent about three hours watching clothes, cleaning the kitchen, mopping enormous amounts of dirt off of my floor, scraping doo-doo off of the wall (yes, I even get to do that...jealous?), plunging and scrubbing stopped up toilets, hosing off the kids after they made "beaver damns" outside in the dirt, and washing two days worth of crusty dishes. While I was doing this I realized that it's REALLY hard for me to imagine most of my friends doing all of this. Not that you don't, but I just can't imagine it. Everyone I know has a really clean house (and I get the feeling a maid does a lot of it), clean kids, and an overall pleasant appearance themselves. I can't envision all of you with your hair tied up in a scarf like a 1950's housewife, elbow-deep in crappy toilets and dirt. And so I can't help but wonder, "where are my people?" Where are the women like myself? Are we a largely diminishing group or have the rest of them figured out how to get all this work done and still find time to make themselves look nice too (unlike me)? If other women were like me, this is how "my peeps" would look:



1. They'd be wearing dirty nursing bras, strained peas or vomit on their shirts, and sensible shoes.

2. There hair would be greasy and their perfume would be too strong because they're sadly and unsuccessfully trying to cover up their foul odor, from lack of a daily shower.

3. No make-up...that requires time.

4. They'd be humming the theme songs to Backyardigans or Dora, and would be absolutely clueless as to who is actually popular right now. Still thinking that the Backstreet Boys are probably on tour.

5. They'd have NO idea what the date is. What does it matter? Everyday is Monday for us, right?

6. Their nail polish would be disgustingly chipped away because it's been weeks since you've given yourself a pedicure. (who pays for one?)

7. You haven't allowed a guest in your home in over 6months because you know they would never eat in your kitchen and would think you were lazy because you obviously never clean (no one would realize that's ALL you do all day!)

8. You NEVER wear shorts because you haven't shaved your legs in weeks...this doesn't effect your husband, of course, because you haven't had sex in weeks either. Why would you let him touch you, in this condition?! Gross!

9. Your dog AND your son have cheerios matted up in their hair. You're gonna have to just chop it all off!

10. The thin line between your pajamas and "workout pants" has been completely blurred, so you're quite likely to walk out the door in your jammies. And not give a damn, really.

11. You have bruises and scratches from head to toe, from your children flinging their toys at you all day. They have no respect for you.

12. And finally, you forget the meaning of simple, everyday words because you haven't used your intellect in years. You're growing dumber and dumber everyday, so that eventually you're too embarrassed to even engage in conversation! This is trew...troo.. true!

Somehow I feel like I'm alone in this, but I'm probably not. But why is it so hard for me to imagine my friends in this same condition? Maybe it's because they won't let me into their houses, eh?