Food for Thought

So our cable and internet went out for 2 days. Two days!! Good lord almighty, two days! (yes, we paid our bill! You smart ass. I outta whoop your butt for even thinking that.) So after I baked cookies, cleaned out the van, did all of the laundry,vacuumed the floor in the garage (man, I sure can get a lot of work done when I'm not parked in front of a computer all day!), mopped the kitchen floor, and realphabetized the food in the pantry (what?!), the question became "What now?". I missed the news. I missed my only source for a social life...facebook...I know, it's sad. I was feeling so disconnected from the world. We could have been nuked and I'd still be outside fucking around with my Christmas lights, totally clueless. And I'm not too sure the local radio station would have the gall to interrupt the ongoing Christmas music to actually let me know that New York has been wiped off of the map. (shrug) Anyway, my husband came home from work and just sat there, staring at me. He hasn't looked at me that long in over 10 years. It was quite unnverving. We had NO idea what to do next! Well, my husband had ONE idea. But that only used up one hour and five minutes of our long night ahead of us. One hour to shave off my winter fur, and well, you know what the other five minutes was for! Tee-hee-hee. (that's my innocent-little-girl laugh) Uh oh, Mom, are you reading this? Crap.
By the way, I asked my husband if it was ok to blog about our sex life and he replied, "hell no!" I don't know why. What's he ashamed of? Once a month he gets to be the "Master of the bedroom" for five whole minutes. Right on, brother!
But I digress, because when I was soaking in the tub and mowing my leg hairs (hey, it's been really cold out lately!), I had plenty of time to think. And what, you ask, does Catherine think about when she has lots of time on her hands? (You probably don't wanna know - but here it goes) I was thinking about how gross hotel rooms are. You see, I'm a camper. Not only that, but I'm a germaphobe. Despite being a germaphobe, I'll throw my ass on the ground and sleep with the raccoons and bugs anyday! But put me in a hotel room and I will completely freak out on you! I'm seriously grossed out! Women who are snobs about staying in hotels vs. camping are totally dilusional, in my opinion. They've obviously never watched a 20/20 expose' on "funk in hotel rooms". There are 4 things that I will NEVER touch in a hotel room. (1) faucets. Imagine some really nasty guy, wiping his big, shitty ass and then turning on the faucet to wash his hands (unlikely that he's even doing that, but let's just pretend, for argument sake.) Sure, you're also about to wash your hands, right after touching the faucet, but don't you also touch the faucet to turn the water off? Thus, you've just defeated the purpose of even washing your hands to begin with. (I've given this a lot of thought!) Gag.
(2) light switches. Imagine Mr. Shitty flipping on the lights after said trip to the crapper. Enough said, right? Wrong! When did you EVER see the maid clean the light switches. I rarely even do that and I vacuum my garage floor, for chrissake!
(3) the remote control. Yuck! Imagine a "John" romping around the hotel room with his $5.00 whore and then picking up the remote to finish off with a little porn. God lord. I can feel the chunks coming up my throat even now.
(4)The floor. Yes, I said the floor. You will never see my feet touch the floor in a hotel. My feet may smell like hell after wearing my shoes for 4 days straight, but that's preferrable to picking up a toe fungus from the skanky $5.00 whore. Ew.
So this is just food for thought when you all venture off for the holidays to visit family and you're snuggled up in your cozy sheets at the Drury Inn. Happy Holidays!