Not so Peep-ish

You're not ever getting into my house if:

1. You refuse to drink tap water.
2. Kool-aid is not good enough for your kids. Hey, a little red dye #40 hasn't killed me yet!
3. You're butt is significantly smaller than mine (side note: unless this means it's as flat as a pancake, in which case, you're in, baby!!)
4. You look perfect from head to toe: house, kids, and all, but you won't admit that your marriage is shit. (Do you want TRUE friends or not, lady? I'm here for ya'.)
5. You don't consider Kraft cheese slices to actually be cheese. (In our house we call it "plastic-wrapped gold"!) Love it!
6. You pay someone else to do your housecleaning, laundry, taxes, lawn, and raise your kids...in this case, I'm sorry, you may be a lovely person, but we probably don't have a damn thing in common...unless you're paying for the maragaritas! :) [ok, I need to revise this a bit...it's ok if you pay someone to do your taxes...if you're utitlizing my sisters services!] :)
7. You don't believe in the 3-second rule...come on, it's not that bad!!
8. Noisy kids bother you. I know, I know...the noise bothers me too, but we're just going to have to put up with it. Besides, overly obedient kids are weird!!
9. You believe I need to be "saved" just because I'm Catholic. I'm treading in deep water here, but I have had to ditch many a friend because they felt that I was "going to hell" unless they immediately intervened. Okie dokie.
10. And finally, you're not going to be a friend of mine if you can't handle a bad word here or there. I've tried to control myself, and it's just impossible. I'm sorry. It's who I am. If you can't handle it, then go *$#* your @$#&*& and %^$#&! :0