The Terror Twins

My boy/girl twins were born hating each other. They have nothing in common and therefore find something to fight about on a daily basis. It's usually something small and stupid, like who has the bigger sandwich (even though they're the exact same size) or who has the cleaner room. It doesn't really matter what they fight about. What matters is that the fights always start off as simple arguing and escalate into a full-out wrestling match. And quickly! This happens at least five or six times a day. One day, I was downstairs making them lunch and I heard them laughing together. This struck me as unusual and so I felt I needed to investigate further. I went upstairs and found them giggling and "high-fiving" each other. This absolutely did not sit right with me. They never get along, so why would they now? Then I realized, I didn't see the baby. Oh lord. "Where's the baby?" I ask. They both just stare at me. "Where's the baby?!!" I start running all over the house looking for the baby until I finally hear a faint voice coming from his room. I don't see him immediately so I start digging around in his pile of dirty laundry and looking under the bed. Finally, I open his toy chest and find him inside, curled up into a ball. The twins had taken off his shirt and put it back on him, without putting his arms through the armholes. He was stuck inside his shirt! And then they ditched him in the toy box. Poor little guy! The twins finally found something they have in common! I wasn't sure if I should celebrate or call a child psycologist. I could tell that this was just the beginning of what will probably turn out to be one sick and twisted friendship. Lord help us all!

Cracking One Off

So, I cut the cheese today. (Yes, I mean I farted. I just didn't want to say it that way.) When I'm alone with the kids I usually forget to silence myself because I figure they were once in there with all of my business, so why should I censor myself now. Right? (A dangerous practice, by the way. You start to forget when you're in public or at home. I DON'T recommend it.) Anyway, I let one rip, out loud, and the baby came up behind me and tapped on my butt and said, "uh,oh, Mama go doo-doo!" And I started to laugh but then I immediately began to question it myself! Afterall, I have had three babies. My internal workings are just not the same anymore. Give me a break! I ran to the bathroom, just to see if he knew something that I didn't know. I was relieved to find that my pants were clean. I did not "shart". Phew! Being very grateful that I haven't turned that corner yet, I said a prayer. "Thank you God for my bowel and bladder control. I know that just as I say these mocking words, you will curse me with something else repulsive. But for now, I am truly grateful." Amen!

A Quiz

Do you think you're an overly-competitive parent? Well I've come up with a sure-fire test to determine whether you are or not. Results will follow.
1) When it comes to accepting an invitation to a playdate, you:
a) accept them all because you love the free lunches
b) only accept the invites from "the right kids" because you're not afraid to admit that you engage in shameless social climbing
c) you never accept them because you hate everyone else's kids. They're ALL beneath your child!!

2) Your child acts up in the grocery store, you:
a) correct him and put him in time-out, not even noticing that you're both blocking the middle of the aisle (nor do you care)
b) say loudly, so that everyone can hear, "oh, you must be tired", making some lame excuse for him until you can finally get him into the car and cuss him out in private
c) start yelling at the checker who obviously upset your precious pooky by looking at him wrong!

3) When it comes to signing your toddler up for extracurricular activities, you:
a) sign up at the local YMCA, where the emphasis is on good, clean fun
b) sign them up for the local competitive league because you know your child is going to wipe the floor with the rest of the kids and he'll finally get the exposure he needs to jumpstart his sports career
c) don't bother signing him up at all because he's not old enough for the minor leagues, where you think he really belongs. And anything less just isn't good enough for him!

4) When it comes to bragging about your children, you:
a) talk about their achievements but also include their recent shenanigans in your conversation
b) try not to brag too much, but secretly love it when your kid is obviously better than someone else's (which, of course, tends to be most of the time!)
c) have considered including them as part of your resume

5) Your child's teacher holds a conference with you to discuss his misbehavior in the class, you:
a) listen to what she has to say, apologize, tell her you will deal with your child at home, and them punish your child; afterall, he really can be a little shit sometimes!
b) tell her you'll fix the problem, just to shut her up, and then take your kid out to lunch and both laugh about what an idiot his teacher is
c) cuss out the teacher because there's no way your little angel could be naughty, and then ask for a transfer into another class with "a competent teacher who isn't out to get your baby!"

Now it's time to tally the results:
If you had mostly A's- you're doing fine, keep up the good work. Afterall, our parents didn't treat us like immaculate conceptions and we turned out just fine!
If you had mostly B's- watch out! You're walking a fine line between loving your child and thinking that his shit doesn't stink. He could turn out to be a total loser or a great guy. It's a coin toss! Do you really want to risk it?
If you had mostly C's- Good lord. Get a grip!! Please seek therapy before your child becomes the unibomber!! Be aware that while you may love your precious angel, the rest of the world hates him. This is in your control!

A play on words?

My eldest son and I were playing a game of cards. The game where you have to grab up the jack when you see it being laid down. I guess I got a little too into the game because I saw the jack and I swiped at it fiercely. Unfortunately, I scratched my sons hand in the process. I said, "I'm so sorry, sweetheart!" And he replied, "Wow, Mama, you have a big snatch!!" I laughed hysterically for about five minutes.

Banned from the Ladies Club

Sorry to hold out on you guys so long! My last blog was so long ago. I received some negative comments via email a couple of weeks ago and it pissed me off so much that I cut you ALL off. But I'm back and in full force! But here's my disclaimer: take me or leave me and keep your negative comments to yourself, or I'll start to give them back! I'm getting tired of being the nice guy. I won't do it anymore.
Anyway, I've realized that not everyone appreciates or understands my sense of humor. It's very blunt and sarcastic. I can't help myself. It's like tourettes. And I don't crack my jokes for the attention. I usually fling the zingers just to break the monotony in life. I'm constantly surrounded by mothers who are trying to project the right image: perfect mom, perfect house, perfect kids, etc. You know the type. My husband laughs at me and thinks I'm just trying to shock them with my sassy comments. There may be a little truth to that, deep down inside, but I think I just can't help myself! I have no self-control! In this "keeping up with the Jones'" world, it keeps me sane. I can't keep up with the Jones' and I refuse to try. (I know, I know...Amen Sister!) So I make fun of it all. But I digress.
I'd like to now give an example of the typical reaction to my sense of humor. I was at a party recently. The highlight of my year. (I have no social life) Yes, once in a while, Jer let's me out of my cage and I get to go drinking with the girls. Well, the other day, at this party, we were all talking about getting into our old clothes. I said that I wish I could get into my old bikini again, but if I did it'd make people sick to their stomaches. Another woman said, "you could TOTALLY pull it off!" (I beg to differ) I said "I'm a huge mess and I would rather die that get into that thing!" She continued, "it's so sad that we are held up to Hollywood standards and therefore someone as small as you would think she's disgusting!" I said, "maybe so, but it's ME who thinks I look disgusting, not anyone else." And she said, "I'm so tired of feeling like I'm too fat. And I'm so tired of men always staring at my breasts, as if there's nothing else to me." (well, I can't personally relate to that comment, but I definitely had something to say about it!) "I know," I said (a little too loudly, because I had a bit of vino in me). "women don't go around staring at men's cocks, wondering how big they are!!!" I say this while also cupping my private area, in proper demonstration. (I thought it helped illustrate my point better) It was at this exact moment when the entire room got completely silent and all eyes turned toward me, holding my stuff. (of course!!) Half of the room had smirks on their faces and the other half lookfed completely repulsed! I knew that this was probably my cue to go home and return to my cage. So I smiled with complete courage, held my head high, finished my wine, and went home. I laughed all the way home.
I may not get invited to that particular house again, but I gave myself a fucking fantastic laugh!!