My Peeps

You're a shoe-in for being a friend of mine if:

1. You arrive at my house with the margarita mix, because you know that I've already got the Tequila ready.
2. You wear your yoga pants because they're comfortable, NOT because you've been exercising all day.
3. You've got a secret stash of chocolate that you wouldn't even share with your dying grandmother.
4. You've got the pizza place on speed dial. Mmmmmmmm, pizza.
5. You've laughed so hard that you've pissed your pants (it doesn't count if you're over age 50, as this might be a frequent process)
6. You're not afraid to admit you have a scorching case of hemmorroids, a strange rash, or funky discharge...hey, I'm a former nurse. I love these stories!
7. You cry once a week because you hate being a stay-at-home mom, but wouldn't change it for anything in the world...I know what most of you are thinking...WTF?! But don't worry, I getcha, girl!
8. You know what "WTF" means. :)
9. Your butt is bigger than mine. Loving you!
10. You only get to bathe once or twice a week, but you've learned to live with the smell. You're cool with me!
11. And last, but certainly not least, you know you're a shoe-in for my friend if...well, see #1!!

You're Hired!!

So I've decided to come up with some new titles for myself, since "stay-at-home mom" is so stigmatized. Not to mention the fact that it tells you nothing about what I do all day! It'll perk up the old resume too, when I'm ready to go back to the outside world. So here they are...let me know what you think!

1) Dietary Coordinator

2) Creativity Director

3) Public Relations Ambassador

4) Manager of Domestic Operations

5) Gastrointestinal specialist

6) Director of Health Administration

7) Dean of Developmental Progress

8) Sibling relations liason

9) Life Coach

10) CEO of Martin, Inc.

11) President of Custodial Services and Waste Management

and last but not least...

12) Queen of the Martin Estate

Random thought

Don't you just love it when someone else (meaning your kids or maybe even your husband) takes a huge dump in the toilet and it clogs the damn thing up? And you know no one else is going to volunteer to plunge it. Of course not...that's in my job description, right?! So while I'm furiously plunging away at the giant turd, the sickening brown water splashes into my eyes and onto my face. Nice. I frantically wash my face and hands (with steel wool and bleach!!!!) and yet I still am unable to eat with my hands that night at dinner. Gag! Boy, I can't wait to do this all over again tomorrow!

Twilight Zone, part 2

My kids and I just finished watching the Twilight Zone episode where the old lady gets a phone call from her dead husband. Pretty scary one. Later, I called my own husband at work and told him to call the house and pretend to be a ghost, on the phone. I wanted to scare the pants off of my kids. He said "Cat, they're four!" "I know!" I said, "They'll be really scared!" "You're sick, Cat" he replied. "Just do it!" I said, and I hung up. Ten minutes later, the phone rings. Brrrrrring. "Abby, it's for you" I say, handing my daughter the phone. The voice on the phone says "Helllllloooooooooo............thiiiiiiiiiiiis..............iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissss..........a...ghoooooost...."

And Abby says, "Hi Daddy! We played in the swimming pool today." I grabbed the phone away from her and said "Man, you're lame!" Some people just have it and some don't. So I hung up the phone and quickly turned around and screamed "BOO!!!" They ran away screaming.
Mission accomplished.

Cue the eery music!

My twins are only 4 years old, but they're so smart that I sometimes find myself treating them like equals. This, I know, is a big mistake. But it just happens! For example, yesterday I was in the mood to watch some of my old Twilight Zone DVD's. After viewing the creepy episode with "Talky Tina", the murderous doll, Ian and Abby were hooked! They begged for more. Groovy! Now we could all sit around on the couch all day, eating junk food, and watching the Twilight Zone. It's my favorite thing to do in the summer! But ocassionally there was an episode that went over their heads and they would say, "Find a scary one Mama!"

And I'd say, "That one was scary!"

"No it wasn't!! Where's the ghost?!" they'd reply.

"Well, there may not be a ghost, but it's still creepy!" I say.

"No it's not!" they say.

Me: "Yes, it is!"

Abby: "No, it's not!"

Me: "Yes, it is! Look at that girl - she's kinda creepy." "She just popped up in the woods, outta freakin' nowhere!" "That's definitely weird!" "Come on!!"

Abby: "Uh, uh, Mama - she's just pretty."

Me: "She's weird"

Abby: "pretty"

Me: "weird!"

Abby: "pretty!!"

Me: "weird!!"

Abby: "pretty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then suddenly I snap out of it and realize that I've been arguing, with a 4 year old, about a show she has no business even watching! Oh well, we had fun. But consider yourself warned: if you see my little angel out and about and she starts quoting, "Hi, I'm Talky Tina, and I'm gonna kill you..." don't be afraid. She's just having fun. Our brand of bizarre fun, of course...but trust me, I think she'll be O.K.!