Going "red"

This week I spent my time eliminating all of the toxic cleaning products that we have in our home, by making my own out of natural ingredients. I also started my own vegetable garden in the backyard. And I handwashed all of my dishes, in a small washtub. Then, during my online search for natural ingredients to make all-purpose cleaners, I came across an article that had me laughing hysterically. I'm all about continuing to strive toward being more "green", but this was ridiculous!! "How to make your own menstrual pads"!! Good lord. Women in the sixties didn't burn their bras only for us to take ten steps backward! It'll be a cold day in hell before I shove one of those bad boys between my legs. They're huge! They do look like they could double as a hot pad, when you're not menstruating though. There's a plus! I wonder if they have a pattern for tampons?

Law of Probability

It was Sunday afternoon and the sun was shining. Jer was home to help with the kids, so I thought it was the perfect time to mop our filthy kitchen floor. One hour, and a severe back ache later, I made that floor glow! Good job, Cat! I was tired, so I decided to nap. During my nap, it decided to pour down raining and the dog was still outside. After I woke from my nap, I let the dog inside and she destroyed the floor. There's was mud everywhere. This is my life.
I always wonder how other mothers seem to manage to keep a clean house, clean kids, and they themselves still look immaculate. How?! I wake up every morning and clean everyone up but as soon as we walk out the door we all look like total hell. To me, it's just the way it is when you have kids. But how do other mom's get away with it? I'll never know. That being said, I started thinking about all of the things that happen when you're a mom. I like to call it the "Law of Probability" (original, huh?) So here it is. The "laws" of mommyhood:
There's a 99.99% chance that your baby will have a major diaper blowout when the number of diapers in your bag is 1 or fewer.
There's an 80% chance you'll get puked on if you're dressed in your only interview suit that still fits around your fat butt, and you're just heading out the door for your big opportunity.
There's 0.5% probability that one or more of the kids will be sick on the night that you both decide your husband can go "out with the guys". But there's a 90% probability that all of the kids will get sick just before it's your turn to go out with the girls. (and of course your husband can't possibly handle them alone!)
There's a 100% chance that you'll soon get whatever illness the kids just had...ten fold!! (and if you're a stay-at-home mom this really sucks because you then have to care for your sick children while you are at deaths door, and your husband won't ever think of this and take the day off!)
There's a 75% chance that there's a kid sitting on the other side of your closed door while you're having sex. It's their mission to destroy any semblance of a sex-life you still may have. I'm sure of it!
There's a 100% chance that your kids will break something very valuable in someone else's home. Banning you from that house forever. (although I'm also 100% sure that they weren't a true friend if that incident got you thrown out forever)
There's a 70% chance that you'll lock yourself in the bathroom and cry like a baby at least once. The odds (and the frequency) greatly increase with the number of children you have!!
Now I feel compelled to end this with some sappy comment like "there's a 100% chance that you're kids will be grateful for all that you do" or something like that, but I just can't do it. Too cheesy.

The Terror Twins

My boy/girl twins were born hating each other. They have nothing in common and therefore find something to fight about on a daily basis. It's usually something small and stupid, like who has the bigger sandwich (even though they're the exact same size) or who has the cleaner room. It doesn't really matter what they fight about. What matters is that the fights always start off as simple arguing and escalate into a full-out wrestling match. And quickly! This happens at least five or six times a day. One day, I was downstairs making them lunch and I heard them laughing together. This struck me as unusual and so I felt I needed to investigate further. I went upstairs and found them giggling and "high-fiving" each other. This absolutely did not sit right with me. They never get along, so why would they now? Then I realized, I didn't see the baby. Oh lord. "Where's the baby?" I ask. They both just stare at me. "Where's the baby?!!" I start running all over the house looking for the baby until I finally hear a faint voice coming from his room. I don't see him immediately so I start digging around in his pile of dirty laundry and looking under the bed. Finally, I open his toy chest and find him inside, curled up into a ball. The twins had taken off his shirt and put it back on him, without putting his arms through the armholes. He was stuck inside his shirt! And then they ditched him in the toy box. Poor little guy! The twins finally found something they have in common! I wasn't sure if I should celebrate or call a child psycologist. I could tell that this was just the beginning of what will probably turn out to be one sick and twisted friendship. Lord help us all!

Cracking One Off

So, I cut the cheese today. (Yes, I mean I farted. I just didn't want to say it that way.) When I'm alone with the kids I usually forget to silence myself because I figure they were once in there with all of my business, so why should I censor myself now. Right? (A dangerous practice, by the way. You start to forget when you're in public or at home. I DON'T recommend it.) Anyway, I let one rip, out loud, and the baby came up behind me and tapped on my butt and said, "uh,oh, Mama go doo-doo!" And I started to laugh but then I immediately began to question it myself! Afterall, I have had three babies. My internal workings are just not the same anymore. Give me a break! I ran to the bathroom, just to see if he knew something that I didn't know. I was relieved to find that my pants were clean. I did not "shart". Phew! Being very grateful that I haven't turned that corner yet, I said a prayer. "Thank you God for my bowel and bladder control. I know that just as I say these mocking words, you will curse me with something else repulsive. But for now, I am truly grateful." Amen!

A Quiz

Do you think you're an overly-competitive parent? Well I've come up with a sure-fire test to determine whether you are or not. Results will follow.
1) When it comes to accepting an invitation to a playdate, you:
a) accept them all because you love the free lunches
b) only accept the invites from "the right kids" because you're not afraid to admit that you engage in shameless social climbing
c) you never accept them because you hate everyone else's kids. They're ALL beneath your child!!

2) Your child acts up in the grocery store, you:
a) correct him and put him in time-out, not even noticing that you're both blocking the middle of the aisle (nor do you care)
b) say loudly, so that everyone can hear, "oh, you must be tired", making some lame excuse for him until you can finally get him into the car and cuss him out in private
c) start yelling at the checker who obviously upset your precious pooky by looking at him wrong!

3) When it comes to signing your toddler up for extracurricular activities, you:
a) sign up at the local YMCA, where the emphasis is on good, clean fun
b) sign them up for the local competitive league because you know your child is going to wipe the floor with the rest of the kids and he'll finally get the exposure he needs to jumpstart his sports career
c) don't bother signing him up at all because he's not old enough for the minor leagues, where you think he really belongs. And anything less just isn't good enough for him!

4) When it comes to bragging about your children, you:
a) talk about their achievements but also include their recent shenanigans in your conversation
b) try not to brag too much, but secretly love it when your kid is obviously better than someone else's (which, of course, tends to be most of the time!)
c) have considered including them as part of your resume

5) Your child's teacher holds a conference with you to discuss his misbehavior in the class, you:
a) listen to what she has to say, apologize, tell her you will deal with your child at home, and them punish your child; afterall, he really can be a little shit sometimes!
b) tell her you'll fix the problem, just to shut her up, and then take your kid out to lunch and both laugh about what an idiot his teacher is
c) cuss out the teacher because there's no way your little angel could be naughty, and then ask for a transfer into another class with "a competent teacher who isn't out to get your baby!"

Now it's time to tally the results:
If you had mostly A's- you're doing fine, keep up the good work. Afterall, our parents didn't treat us like immaculate conceptions and we turned out just fine!
If you had mostly B's- watch out! You're walking a fine line between loving your child and thinking that his shit doesn't stink. He could turn out to be a total loser or a great guy. It's a coin toss! Do you really want to risk it?
If you had mostly C's- Good lord. Get a grip!! Please seek therapy before your child becomes the unibomber!! Be aware that while you may love your precious angel, the rest of the world hates him. This is in your control!